Smoke Free, Day 13

This is really happening. Almost at the halfway mark now.

There are some things about smoking cessation that nobody really tells you about. In the words of the poet Marshall Mathers, I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.

The first is that it changes your world. I mean that very literally. The world as I perceive it appears to be changing. I know of course that the world isn’t changing- it’s my perception of it that is. My peripheral vision is expanding, as is my hearing- I see and hear a lot more than I usually do. My skin feels more sensitive, too. I believe all of these things are happening in the mind- the input into the sensory organs are still the same, but the processing element is somehow different in the absence of nicotine.

Having smoked for 4 years, I somehow modified my natural state into one that is simultaneously sedated and stimulated- a smoker’s world is less diverse but more focused and clear. Not having smoked for this long, I see much more colour and movement than I ever remember seeing. The change is outright frightening. When I walk, I find myself acutely aware of my head bobbing up and down, and it actually makes me feel giddy, and a little bit nauseous. I think we all feel these things and that our brains usually sort of balance out these subtle “bounces” and movements such that we don’t notice them- until, of course, we quit smoking.

It’s scary, though tolerable because I know exactly what it is. Now it’s kind of fun and exciting. It’s like taking a drug in itself, or exploring new perspectives and ideas. I feel, quite literally, like a different person- I am experiencing and perceiving a different world altogether. It’s deeply unsettling. I think people don’t give this enough importance. Quitting smoking is not just giving up something like a food or drink- it quite literally changes your brain, and changes your experience of the world, and makes you feel (I don’t mean to be presumptuous or insulting) a little bit of what I imagine autism and schizophrenia might be like.

That said, this morning felt like huge progress. After being besieged with headaches for days, today I felt substantially lighter and more clear-headed than I have been in a while. My lung capacity has practically doubled and the air smells so rich and sweet.

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